THE POWER OF WORDS

Tonight I feel like crap. It's been a really rough week for me, and also for James because he shares the same home with me. I had an all day email argument with someone very near and dear to me and hurt that person very deeply with my mean and ugly words that I wrote. Did I have to write them? Yes I did. Could I have read them over before pressing SEND? Yes I could have but didn't. Will I do that next time? Yes, most certainly.

 I feel like the biggest hypocrite, professing to be a Christian which means a follower of Christ, and yet letting all my ugliness come out on the page in words. Words once spoken or written can never be retracted. They have the power to bring life or death, to heal or to wound. I do have mental health issues, but that in itself is no excuse for what I did. I have also done this to one of my other friends last month. Same thing, I wrote when I was very emotional, instead of calming down first. I want to write things that help people, not hurt them. This was a very hard way to learn that I must be careful what I say, how I say it and who I say it to.

My heart and spirit have been grieving all week. I had to take a couple of tranquilizers to get through these last few days. I am thankful that my doctor gave me a few to keep on hand for days that I am overwhelmed. I have PTSD and that is one awful disease. I do not just remember, I reremember. My body literally remembers the exact feelings of the incidents I am writing or talking about; that can be very painful and can cause me to spiral into a depression as well. I need to take care of myself by having a minimum amount of emotional stress in my days. I was accused of creating drama, where the opposite was true. I avoid chaos and drama at all costs now so that I can keep my health as balanced as possible at all times.

Last June I was in the hospital and I never want to go that route again. It was a very frightening experience and James came daily to see me. He has truly been a rock for me to lean on. Between James and my faith in God's unconditional love for me (even when I screw up as often as I do), I can find the strength to go on, one day at a time, sometimes only one moment at a time. I did make a horrible mess of things this week and I am still paying the price as the hardest thing for me to do is to forgive myself. I have asked God to forgive me, I have learned how much I say can wound others and myself, but I have not been able to forgive myself.

I hold myself to very high standards, my doctors say unrealistically high. I need to learn to allow myself to grieve if a relationship fails. I need to give myself permission to have a bad day or two or even a week. I have health issues that cause a lot of havoc for me on a daily basis, right down to how much sleep I do or don't get. I need to take medications to help me stay in balance and learn coping skills that will see me through the difficult times of life. I need to respect others and allow them to be themselves with their own personalities and opinions. I need to also ask for that same respect in return and if it is not there I need to end that kind of relationship for the sake of my health and well being. I can take care of my needs and what I need help with I ask God in prayer. I find He answers me in some of the most amazing ways through some of the most unlikely people or situations.

My thought in closing for tonight... we are all human and make mistakes. Treat yourself kindly when you do and forgive yourself. Do your best to make amends, but if that is not possible, then move forward with your life and greet each day as a new day with a new beginning.

Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life.

Proverbs 4:23